making memories / i don't understand

I'm tired and it's becoming harder for me to switch my mental gears between the things I'm doing. And I feel this something pressing down on me, and choking me a little. I'm also a bit confused.

There's a big debate on which the real Seimei is: Ritsuka's or Soubi's. And I'm left to wonder if they can't both be the real one. Why can't a person act different with different persons. Why must you always be the same? Is there something to gain from that? Is there integrity to be found at the end of that road? Am I wrong to be a chameleon and ply myself on each of my loved ones' personality? Why can't Seimei be a sadistic bastard who just loves the one fragile and delicate thing in his life?

I feel a bit lost. I'd like a hug on a couch and a cup of hot tea. I'd like to understand why I feel like a sieve, and why all the seconds that are passing through me hurt like this. I'd like to know why I got that premonition on Friday, and if it really is based on something real.

My birthday passed but it didn't feel like my day at all. Not this time, either. The winter holidays are coming, and I need a new obsession to keep myself busy for the month, especially since I am devouring my current one a bit recklessly.

This year was a busy one. Hungary - Bulgaria - Holland - Greece - Prague - Sweden - Hungary - mountains - sea-side. Pfff, I need to gain a better sense of self-awareness, because I've come to a point where I'm looking at myself from the inside and thinking it's not me I'm seeing. I think it's finally time I got to know myself as I should. Procrastination ends... tomorrow /:)

Hypocrisy

Soubi leaned against the stone wall and allowed himself the luxury of a cigarette. He had been trying to quit for the past month, faithfully following the wish of his Sacrifice, but it wasn't going well. The face of an annoyed Ritsuka grounding a lit cigarette with full force ranked higher on Soubi's priority list than evading lung cancer.

He looked up at the sky and sighed. He'd almost dug a Soubi-shaped depression into the grey stone of Ritsuka's school fence, waiting there day after day. Sometimes he was allowed to take the boy by the hand and lead him into a private wonderland, but more often than not he just got yelled at. Life was a gamble, and even Soubi was allowed his vices.

His gaze travelled downwards again, and across the street, towards the movie theatre that was sporting its usually cheerful banners. Fewer people were walking about today, and Soubi let his eyes linger on the appallingly designed adverts. Amateurs... He was almost startled when a figure partially blocked out his view, all grubby clothes and lank hair. He knew the beggar, had seen his small, bent form before, arriving at his begging hole and milling around for a bit before settling down. For some reason, the man made a point of staring at all the cinema banners, giving them his undivided attention for minutes at a time, and Soubi couldn't help but wonder why.

It gave him something to think about today, as well. Maybe this is all he can do. Look at the posters, since he knows he will never see the movies. Maybe it's the highlight of his day, when a new banner appears. What a way to lie to yourself... He put out the cigarette, his attention focusing on looking innocent for Ritsuka's benefit. He felt his pulse count the minutes between the ringing of the school bell and the boy's arrival, and half-turned to greet him.

He recognized Ritsuka's dark hair in the crowd, and imagined he could hear the boy laughing at something Yuiko was chattering about. Soubi's shoulders drooped slightly, but his head was still held despondently high. He had no right to feel superior to that beggar. All he was doing was watching from the outside. Will it ever come, the day when he will be allowed into the warmth of Ritsuka's smile?

Days, the conclusion of

Owari da.


Finally.


:)