until the day when it turns into a pumpkin

random thoughts running through my head.

christmas with reindeer and carols and guitars, and sweet smiles. gone. dead.

the lousy parody of a family that we truly are, each playing a role that does not fit, and that is really transparent to the eyes of anyone else.

my desire to escape, and my fear that it will never really happen. they trully are like a cancer.

my fear, my neverending fear of anything, which i am currently curing with a poultice of anime. i dare you to laugh.

relief that we are actually going, will actually be there, on the last night and the first night, in that point where many years ago i saw my first real sunrise, the one place that really looks like the end of the world. how come i actually almost knew, watching the sorry-looking blocuri of berceni, those years ago?

the knowledge that kaoru is right, and that the magic, so strong and shiny, so warming and compelling, ends up turning into a pumpkin. when the carriage goes on, for all but for you, what do you become? i want a twin. someone to whom i could have a psychological as well as physical bond, one that could not break, one that had reason to exist, one that i would not have to work for. i suppose i am tired of making the effort. i understand what the rat felt, but i doubt life can be a faerie-tale where you finally find someone that you do not have to work for. this realisation is my pumpkin.

i wish i had the strength and wisdom to accept it.

smile

Need I seriously say anything more?
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In other news... I felt rinish yesterday in the laftarie, whining about having screwed up my lovely bzzz bracelet because i had inadvertantly pulled on a loose thread, thus making it looser (leave it to me T.T). Tp didn't even stop talking, i wasn't even aware he had registred my (omnipresent, is that the word? :)) ) whining, but he did pull out his pocket knife and fixed my toy. It is for things like these that I love you more than my puny brain could ever express (aka, more than words, but you have to admit the "puny brain" part sounds good)

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In other news still, i must be, apparently, thicker than detritus and his ruby put together, since i fail to learn some precious lessons life has thrown my way. so he kept me waiting. why was it that my first instinct, to run to him and hold him and let my worry dissipate and ask if he was alright, was overruled so easily, just a flick of the wrist from instinct number 2: "snarrl, grarrl and roll" *shoots lmgself* *____*

rev in vv

Nope, that was not some kind of code... well, maybe it was. what it means to say, is: thank God, we found a place, we're not stuck in town, we did it, we're bloody out of here! new year's at the sea-side... :)) that's a laugh. but not a semi-sad one, or an annoyed one. what you could characterize it as is relaxed, relieved, plain happy. we did it this time as well, as in, i did it, because i had to be the one to get all stressed and worried... again. grr... (about that, another time). so, sea-side, here we come =)) (erm... i do hope this actually... how should i say... happens :D)