until the day when it turns into a pumpkin

random thoughts running through my head.

christmas with reindeer and carols and guitars, and sweet smiles. gone. dead.

the lousy parody of a family that we truly are, each playing a role that does not fit, and that is really transparent to the eyes of anyone else.

my desire to escape, and my fear that it will never really happen. they trully are like a cancer.

my fear, my neverending fear of anything, which i am currently curing with a poultice of anime. i dare you to laugh.

relief that we are actually going, will actually be there, on the last night and the first night, in that point where many years ago i saw my first real sunrise, the one place that really looks like the end of the world. how come i actually almost knew, watching the sorry-looking blocuri of berceni, those years ago?

the knowledge that kaoru is right, and that the magic, so strong and shiny, so warming and compelling, ends up turning into a pumpkin. when the carriage goes on, for all but for you, what do you become? i want a twin. someone to whom i could have a psychological as well as physical bond, one that could not break, one that had reason to exist, one that i would not have to work for. i suppose i am tired of making the effort. i understand what the rat felt, but i doubt life can be a faerie-tale where you finally find someone that you do not have to work for. this realisation is my pumpkin.

i wish i had the strength and wisdom to accept it.