*hum*

As always when I finally give in and whine (to someone or to blogland in general) about my problems (I call it venting, btw, okay?! :D), life decides, probably out of perversity, to start solving them one by one.

I usually conduct my business with the motto "every problem has a solution, otherwise they wouldn't exist" in mind. Even the blatantly obvious negative examples of this that have occurred in my life have not managed to dissuade me. And yet, sometimes... you know how it is. You're too tired, and too worried, and too in pain, or just too not-giving-a-fuck, so you're open to all the negative energies around. Bah!

But yesterday was, stubbornly enough, a hugely pleasant day, in which I got to hang out with Senpai (if it can be called hanging out - we were in school, on a goddamned Saturday morning, recuperating classes), but it was fun, and pleasant in a cat-purring-in-your-lap sort of way. And we just sat side-by-side, her reading or writing and me jittering on the edge of my seat because I had to deliver a presentation. And just being in the same room and sitting like that, next to one-another, for several hours, was sooooo nice.

... and we drew this in paint.... *beams with pride*...*dork*



Erm, yes, we are both 22 and in our last year of Business Administration ccollege. I so do /not/ want to hear anything of the sort regarding our masterpiece! :P



As for the main thing that was eating away at me... yes, it has happened before, and I know better than to actually worry about it. It's just that... sometimes, it completely surprises me how little I know myself, or how I think things about my mind-set and way of judging things, and it just ends up coming to bite me in the ass. I used to think (and, stubbornly enough, I still do, even after all the discussions and the soul-searching) that becoming pregnant was not a problem. I'm a strong person (after all, after all the shit comes and goes, I /am/ still standing, even if only out of intertia) and I could easily have an abortion (quick, not-really-painful, not-really-expensive, and definitely not illegal, as in other dumber parts of the world. It'd be easy. I always have an emergency-fund for... obviously, different emergencies, standing by, I have the time, it would not have posed a problem. There are 3 private medical clinics within walking distance of my home, good ones at that, and another specialized cabinet a bit further away. Pfffft.

And yet, I was thinking about it last night, before I went to bed. In that in-between time, when the drowziness choked the wannabe-strong voices in my head, and I was left with the actual honesty. And I realized that I'd be /happy/ to be pregnant. That there are few things I want more in my life. That I still don't know "what I want to be when I grow up", two weeks before finishing school for ever, but I do know how many kids I want, what gender I want them to be, how many years apart, what their names will be, what sports they'll practice while growing up, and all that other crap.

So... question of the day is... am I simply deranged, or am I just hiding my insecurities behind the one sure thing in my life - that I will, at one point in the not-too-distant future, be a mother. And what got it into my head that it /is/ something certain? For all I know, I may have some /condition/, or whatever-you-call-it, that means I will never have kids of my own. Fuck, I can't even think about that. That's like... maaaaaaaaaaaaaan...

And I know I talked to tp before about this, about how such a situation, whatever its outcome, would somewhat irrevokably alter the genki lmgXpgl relationship. But... I don't know... this is soemwhat mine more than ours. The problem, and the solution, and definitely the consequences. Which is not to say I'd do something without talking it through first. It's just that... hah, the winning phrase: it's complicated!