i needed to talk

I needed to talk to somebody, and then i realized there was no one to talk to. Who could i say these things to? he is the closest to me, but he does not have the time, and he shouldn't either, because no one should really hear all this and no one can really understand. not until it happens to you, and i wouldn't wish any of this on anybody.
obv i did it to myself, me and my big mouth, but since i am always kept in the dark about EVERYTHING, how was i to know? and now there is a situation i cannot turn back from. i didn't realize the harm i was doing in letting it slip, but when i saw her talking to herself and muttering stuff about "bad people" reality dawned pretty damn fast. and now i am scared, and alone, and with no one to talk to. what could i possibly do, anyway? i asked her not to say anything, and she agreed, but the damage is done. and half of me wants to just lash out at him, scream in his face all the truths he has known for six years, but towards which he has so dutifully turned a blind eye. scream the truth, that i cannot do this anymore, cannot be in this house anymore, hear them all moan and whine, see her as she gets crazier and more helpless every day, see her die, see him die because of her, carry this burden on my shoulders, the burden of so many people i have only the slightest relationship to. uncles, aunts, why should i care? why should i care for anyone but myself? and then there is a voice that says that this is the coward's way out, that not caring is actually not dealing with it, but f*** me, i have to deal with it,every day, first thing in the morning, be woken up by them when she's sick but not be able to even get out of the room for risk of him getting pissed at me. and if he knew i knew, he'd probably get pissed at me for NOT coming out of my room, and ask innocently, and actually mean it, for reasons why i thought he would get pissed. their duality and duplicity surprises me every day, but not as much as my own.
i am supposed to be a reader of minds, to know what they want me to know but don't tell me, and expect me to know. i doubt it makes much sense, and i doubt an outsider would take this for more than pathetic teenage whining. guess what: i haven't been a teenager in 4 years now. learn to deal with it! and i know i should love her, and i probably do, i just don't know where i stand anymore, not after all these years. and at first it wasn't as bad as this but now all i want to do is disappear.
not move, or leave, because i used to think these were the answers, but they really aren't, they'd still be there like a cancer, all my problems and my ghosts, and i have way to many ghosts for a person my age, and i really really really never did anything to deserve all this. i thought i was strong enough to carry it all, but where am i actually going? i won't be going anywhere, because i can't really DO anything right, nothing will become of me, and ill and spread-eagle-minded though they are, they still find the time and energy to try and indoctrinate me about every tiny little step that i have to take through life, so i decided i just want to disappear. i can't really tell if i didn't do it two years ago because i was too brave or too much of a coward. but it'll be better for everybody. and if it isn't it'll be the first time i woun't be caring, because i know it will be better for me. and i should really count, at least once.
i'm all talked out now. thank you for listening. i'll go buy a cooty now, to make myself feel better :)... i wonder what will happen to my pets...